We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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