RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.