i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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