I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
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It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
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The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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