my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
