just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
