i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
