I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
