At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
