every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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