i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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