I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
