does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
