genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
