I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
