Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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