I faked an abortion last night.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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