I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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