I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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