I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Watching her eat just hurts me
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Randomize
