i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
