I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize