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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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