Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
