Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
