I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You smell like stripper and shame
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
