who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
as a side note pls kill me
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
