Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
