I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
