you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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