I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
