All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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