Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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