How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
