I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize