Life is so much better after having sex.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
