When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
