I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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