My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
