I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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