i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
