Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.