Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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