he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?