Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
