I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I want to fling myself into the sun
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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