I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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