He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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