3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
