Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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