Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
