Pappa wants mamma naked
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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