the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
