you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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